*WARNING*
This is one of those blogs that are straight from the heart;
I'm not gonna stop rambling until I have it all out and off of my chest, k?
To start, I've always been the eternal optimist...in most cases.
I really believe in the power of dreams.
That if you hold an image in your mind for long enough, it will come true.
Lately I've been struggling. A lot actually.
I haven't been blogging all that much because I don't know how to put it all into words.
I am a go-getter. I try my absolute hardest at everything I do.
But these past few weeks have been tough. I feel like all my hard work isn't paying off.
For the first time in my life I realized I have been doing everything the way that things should be done. Following protocol if you will.
For the first time in my life, I've also realized that most of my dreams and ambitions were kind of in the clouds, out-of-reach. I know I can get there but I have to be realistic.
I am a dreamer.
I daydream.
...a lot.
So I sat around, read, tried to clear my head, and did a lot of thinking.
And then it hit me.
I've been living out my parents dreams. The lives they never got to live.
You see, my parents had me when they were just turning 20. 20! You're not even old enough to drink legally when you're 20 and they had a KID! They never went to college, instead they raised me. They also got married because they thought it was "the right thing to do". A year later they split up. Luckily I can say my parents are two of my best friends. They hung in there and gave me all the love in the world.
According to their lifestyles, I am already 3 steps ahead of them.
I haven't had children yet.
I am in college.
I haven't gotten married yet.
I will be turning 26 this year and I am proud to say a lot has happened in the past year.
I've overcome a serious heartbreak and found love again (cheesy you say? sorry, my boyfriend is absolutely amazing. there is just no other way to say it).
Paid off another year of school.
Lost some weight.
Met lots of new people, reconnected with old friends.
New babies are being born into my family.
And yet...I'm turning 26. and I'm not satisfied.
I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet. Which is true, I haven't...yet.
The small things I listed matter, yes, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough.
I really don't want to continue pleasing other people just to make them smile. I want others to be proud of me for who I am and what I've done to make myself smile.
I am literally at a crossroads in my life.
I honestly feel like a "negative nancy", "debbie downer", whatever you wanna call it. and I'm sorry for that.
But I've been told that I have to make a decision with what I want to do with my career, my goals, my dreams.
So what do I do?
I wish it were as easy as someone telling me "everything will be alright" (like Bob Marley and those Three Little Birds).
Do I go out on a limb and try new things?
Or do I continue on the path of cushion and expectations that will lead to something I may not really want?
So I will end with saying this.
There is nothing wrong with being a dreamer.
A big believer.
There's a big world out there.
Someone has to explore it for what it's worth:o)
Goodnight friends, xo
